


florence and other regrets

by TeaTreeKly



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Coda, Episode: s15e04 Atomic Monsters Coda, F/M, Give Sam a Happy Ending, Grief/Mourning, I Tried, I just had a lot of feelings, Post-Episode: s15e04 Atomic Monsters, Reflection, Season/Series 15, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, Supernatural Season 15 Coda, We Die Like Men, long sentences, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-26 10:48:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21372904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaTreeKly/pseuds/TeaTreeKly
Summary: But at the center of it all there was Jess, the love of his life snatched away by a demon with yellow eyes, left to burn on the ceiling with her stomach cut open just like his mother so many years ago.
Relationships: Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33





	florence and other regrets

**Author's Note:**

> ok so first off  
1\. this hasn't been betaed or even edited by another person so i'm sorry for the grammar mistakes and stuff, i did my best to try not to switch tenses where they shouldn't have been but it is what it is at this point.  
2\. i was sad and having feelings after this episode bc sam/jess is SACRED and Anytime anyone mentions Jess i just have feelings™  
3\. Can you hear me crying over who vs. whom  
4\. Happy reading? I hope this makes you feel emotions like it did for me!

_“I had four dreams in a row where you were burned, about to burn, or still on fire.”_  
_-Straw House, Straw Dog - Richard Siken_

~~o.O~~

Sometimes that tidal wave of grief swells over him and suddenly he’s sinking down, down, _down_, and he can’t fucking breathe.

He tries explaining it to Dean, but he’s not sure his brother understands, or maybe he does and he just doesn’t know what to say, and Sam doesn’t blame him for that either because what else _is_ left to say?

_“I still think about Jessica. I can’t just...let that go.”_

Sam can hardly believe it’s been over 15 years; it’s been _so long_. He’ll just be lying in bed or pouring himself a cup of coffee and suddenly be struck with a vision of golden hair, playful eyes, and a musical laugh that almost brought him to his knees the first time he heard it. Sam doesn’t know how to let that go, doesn’t _want_ to let that go because letting go means forgetting, and if he forgets, he will drown, simple as that.

Jess had been smart, and kind, and fiery, and Sam knows that if she had lived, she probably would’ve stayed with him even after finding out about the whole hunter business, because she was just stubborn like that. _She would’ve been a good hunter_, Sam muses one day. Sam wouldn't have even wanted her to be involved, but she would’ve. The thought comes to him out of nowhere while he’s going through a box of old photos after they were back at the bunker, and he’s thinking about all of their dead, thinking about Jack, and Rowena, and Mom, and Bobby, and Charlie, and Kevin, and then _Jess_—

_“What would I do without you?”_  
_“Crash and burn.”_

But sometimes it’s not an ocean in his heart that drags him into the depths of his despair, sometimes it’s an all consuming fire that makes his fists clench and brings forth a rage he thought he had buried a long time ago, but he’ll think about everything he’s lost, _everyone_ he’s lost that had their whole lives ahead of them that they’re not getting back because monsters are real and will rip everything away from you, and the rage comes back. It’s ugly and it slithers through him like worms in the dirt and every time it happens, it gets more difficult to stop.

And it’s not like he didn’t love the others. He did. There was Madison whom he could’ve loved, and Eileen whom he was beginning to love, and then Amelia whom he did love. There had been Sarah Blake, Amy Pond, and maybe even Ruby. But at the center of it all there was Jess, the love of his life snatched away by a demon with yellow eyes, left to burn on the ceiling with her stomach cut open just like his mother so many years ago. Sam thinks of this and his eyes burn and it’s a while before he can quiet that fire in his heart, that fire that never really goes away.

Jess had been so vibrant, so full of life. Sam will sometimes be reminded of the way she lit up and began dancing when her favorite Christmas song came on, or how she thought roses were lame, or her love for baking chocolate chip cookies. The other day, he passed by a stack of postcards in the store with the shores of Italy painted on them and a memory he had practically forgotten surfaces. It was a warm day in late May and the two of them had been lazing around in bed, Sam invested in a Soduko puzzle with Jess curled up next to him, reading a book.

“I want to go to Florence,” she had said, out of the blue.

“What?” Sam startled, glancing at her. She was chewing on her lip the way she did when she was lost in thought and when she glanced over giving him a half smile, Sam had never been more in love.

“Florence, you know, in Italy? I’m sure you’ve heard of it.” She quirked an eyebrow at him and Sam huffed out a laugh.

“Yeah, I know, I know, just...Where is this coming from?” His arm around her shoulders tightened and it shouldn’t have been possible, they were so close already, but she managed to curl into him even closer.

Sam aches when he remembers the way she had peered up at him as she shrugged. “I was just thinking, I’ve never really been outside of the U.S. And Florence is so beautiful, and there’s so much _history_ there, it’d just be really cool, you know?” She flipped to the next page in her book, but Sam knew she had long stopped reading it.

“I think that sounds nice,” He said and reached down to grasp her hand. “We’ll go someday soon,” he promised.

Jess hadn’t known it, but Sam had already been searching for the perfect ring for her. He had made up his mind; Jessica Moore was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Sam was ready to take Jessica to Florence for their honeymoon, if she said yes. For a little while, everything had been perfect. But then not even six months later Dean comes crashing his way into Sam’s life again with _“Dad’s on a hunting trip and he hasn’t been home in a few days,”_ and everything changes forever.

_“I should’ve protected you. I should’ve told you the truth.”_

And Sam has never told anyone this, not even Dean, but he kept the ring for years after Jess had died. It was always just there, in his pocket, that ring he would’ve given to her, that ring he would’ve pledged his life to her with. He’d fiddle with it out of sight when they were on a hunt or just on a simple beer run, sometimes forgetting it was even there. It was comforting for him to twist the band in between his thumb and index finger, the pad of his thumb constantly brushing over the smooth, garnet stone inlaid into the band, garnet, because it was her birthstone and favorite gem.

Sam never would’ve gotten rid of it except that Dean had been in Hell and Ruby had been there with her persistent opinions and deadly offer of demon blood that he just _couldn’t refuse_ and she had somehow managed to convince him that_ Maybe it’s for the best anyway, Sam_ and _Don’t you think it’s time to move on?_ So he had pawned off the ring because they needed the cash anyhow, but the moment he did he was sorry and it was just another mistake to add to the long list of mistakes he had already made and would make. The sharp twist of regret in his chest every time he thinks about it paired with the shame makes him want to break something. He never should’ve gotten rid of it, never should’ve tried to move on, and he tries not to suffocate from the anguish of it all.

So yeah, he still thinks about Jessica. He still thinks about her smile, her laugh, her eyes, her heart, her soul. Maybe Sam could’ve been happy once, but any chance of that died the night Jess did. His heart aches, and Sam doesn’t know how to breathe.

Maybe he will feel better when he wakes up tomorrow morning. He’ll get up, go for a run. Come back, eat some breakfast, probably. Pour himself a cup of coffee and try not to think about how the blue of his mug reminds him of the sparkling blue of Jess’ eyes. Maybe he’ll search for a hunt, or maybe he won’t and Dean will find one and make him go anyway. And at the end of the day, he’ll collapse into bed exhausted, the nightmares greeting him like an old friend. And then he’ll wake up again. Rinse, dry, repeat. Life goes on.

Sam will still think about Jessica sometimes, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop.

**Author's Note:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
constructive criticism is appreciated


End file.
